Tuesday, 4 November 2014
THE BARAATI: A CRASHCOURSE
Folks, my words are generally not perceived to be pearls of wisdom. For those who have known me long enough can vouch for my immaturity, my idiosyncracies, my handling of critical situations, which has only gone from bad to worse after my deft handling. I may not have solutions to the global warming crisis, the communalization of politics, why SRK is not taking a VRS etc etc. But, my credentials as a Baraati or the Grooms' friend is exemplary and above any scrutiny. As some one who has attended five weddings in the last year and a half, that's by no mean a small feat.. So what does a Baraati need to do at a wedding. Here's a small tutorial that can help you survive any Indian wedding.. What more, you can actually have loads of fun... So, let's get started
1. GET THE BASICS RIGHT: Get one thing drilled into your head right from the start. It's your friend's wedding or martyrdom, however you may wish to call it, not yours. So try not to hog the limelight as you won't get any.. Remember,as the Baraati, you are there for exactly 3 purposes:
1. Eat like a Pig
2. Drink like a fish
3. Dance like a maniac...
So, keep it plain and simple. Focus on the Kababs, Get drunk and and once you are three pegs down, noone cares how you dance..
2. LAST MAN STANDING: Folks, remember, you've had the best time of your life while you were drunk. All those adventures or misadventures you and your friend indulged in, that time when you cried your heart out over the girl who you loved, the post break up conversations where he lifted your morale, the time when you burst a cracker outside your landlady's apartment, and all those drunk texts you sent out to your crush-- none would have been possible without copious amount of alcohol. So, once you are at your friend's wedding, remember he is just paying you back for all your love and support... and the Bar is all yours.. It doesn't matter if you are standing right next to the groom's mamaji or fufaaji or mausajii at the bar. Remember, they don't know you.. you don't need to know them. no pleasantries required.. it's time for Black Label on the rocks...
3. FIRST MAN STANDING: Taking into consideration the fact that no Baraat in India starts before 8 o clock, you have enough time to change into your sherwani, gulp down some vodka shots and kickstart the Baraat proceedings.. And since you are high anyways, and you have anyways been shameless always, do not hesitate in taking the lead and being the first man to start grooving at the baraat. I suggest you advice the bandmaster to start with 'yeh desh hain veer jawano ka'.. It's a safe bet always.
4. SCREW THE PROCEEDINGS, FOCUS ON THE KABABS: Now, remember.. you are the neither the pandit, nor the bride's brother. your attendance while the wedding rituals are on is not paramount. Instead. its time for you to satiate your tastes buds. Plus the fact that your friend, who has probably paid for the buffet is starving, should motivate you to eat on his behalf as well.. Take a good look at the spread once.. Focus on your strengths. For example, if you prefer continental food more, don't try the biriyani right at the beginning. You can come back to that once you are done with the Pasta. You can go back to attending the ritual once your tummy has been satisfied and you have stocked up booz for the night. This is really important. So, I suggest you don't waste your time attending mehendi ceremonies and high tea functions, and instead focus on stocking up alcohol resources for the night.. The mehendi. the sangeet and the pheras are for the family members. Your focus areas should be: the pre-sangeet cocktail party in the groom's room or the post-sangeet party in your room.. Stay focussed, Stay High..
5. GREETING THE COUPLE, A FORMALITY: Now this can be tough. No matter how hard you try staying away from the wedding ceremony, your attendance on the dais for that exclusive snap with the couple is a must.. There is also this customary 'hey I am so happy for you guys' type greeting that one has to indulge in.. I suggest, just walk up to the couple, utter those magical eight words... 'HEY I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS' and walk down
6. BE THE BEST MAN: Know your USP and be ready to deliver. Who will the groom come to when he is nervous before his dance performance and needs a swig or two? You. Indulge him
Who will the groom come to when he is bogged down by the weight of his sehra and sherwani and wants a shot off your glass?? You.. Indulge him..
So, that's it folks... Follow these basic instructions, and become the most awesomest Baraati at a wedding!!