Friday, 7 November 2014
SURVIVING BREAK UPS: A TUTORIAL
Boy meets girl. She is astonishingly beautiful and manages to steal his heart at the first go. He, smitten by her beauty, tries every rule in the book (and those beyond it) to woo her. Three movie and four dinner dates later (by when the boy has conveniently blown up his father’s hard earned-money and helped Airtel/Vodafone earn a fortune, courtesy the late night chats), the girl finally gives in to his earnestness and says 'Yes'. And they live happily ever after!
Right! For all those who think that this is going to be a lesson in romance or a beginner’s guide to the Kamasutra, you are woefully mistaken. I am sure Google has all the answers to your raging hormones. Today, I am going to write about the golden period in a guy’s life, which they pray they never go through, but which in fact make them what they are: Men of character.
It is the most revolutionary thing that can occur to that any guy post puberty (or in India, post Sunny Leone, these days). Well for a Punjabi, it is KLPD (ask a Punjabi friend to explain it better), for a Gujju, it’s an investment gone bad, for a Bong its that moment when you suddenly realise that not every woman is your maa or mashi. But break ups are honestly the most constructive/educational/life-changing/aspirational/
formative experience of your adult life. You cry for a day, whine for two more, play unrequited tributes to Mohd Rafi for four more days, get a boner on the seventh and try to imagine her instead. All these are routine moments that any guy (henceforth we shall refer to them as Bro) goes through. But, if you follow a meticulously planned out approach (drafted by none other than yours truly) to deal with your Break up, Bro, I assure you your heartbreak shall be memorable.
Step 1: SHE DUMPED YOU, BIG DEAL!
This step involves consumption of copious amounts of Old Monk (not whiskey, not beer, only Old Monk). It also involves occasional bursts of anger, requires a friend who has the guts to tell you that your mom and pediatrician touched your whiner before she did, and usually lasts for four days
This is the time when the Bro should not dwell upon the sweetness of the relationship that has past its expiry date, but rather analyse the cons, that came with it. Inflated phone bills, expensive gifts, remembering dates, remembering periods, analyse whatever you think would help you find solace. Of course, your relationship had its share of sweet, memorable memories. But, now is not the time to dwell on them. Love defies logic, but Break-ups are pure science. You have to balance out the good with the bad. You have to outweigh the pros with the cons.
Your Heart: She was beautiful.
Your Mind: So is your mom. Next
Your Heart: She made me feel complete.
Your Mind: So does a large pizza, and she oozed out all your pocket money
Your Heart: She was the first love of my life
Your Mind: Ya bitch, but not your last!
Remember, a Bro’s break-up is neither the first in this big bad world, nor the last. Give the anger seething within you an opening, let the stock of Old Monk exhaust itself. Your neighbourhood wine shop owner would be blessing you.
Do not, and I repeat, Do Not call her! It’s not worth it. Remember, she left you for someone else. She’s the villain! Yes, there is no place for rationale in this step.
STEP 2: THE WORLD IS NOT OVER
The bro might have had a break up, but the world is not over. Go out and meet people. Remember, the time a break-up hangover can last is inversely proportional to the number of people you meet. Catch up with old friends, who you have been neglecting thus far, as a parlour date with your ex-lady was far more important. What more, you can draw solace when you see your male friends fretting over their partners, with the latter driving them to the wall. It is also important that you meet the right kind of friends. People who treat you like a victim, as if you have just been sodomised or give you that ‘oh, so sad, he had a break up look’, should strictly be avoided. Remember, you are still the master of your destiny. The author of the 'best post break-up pep talk' should be you and only you. Ah, and before I forget, try not raking up your personal life in front of strangers, or for that matter, even friends. Preserve the sanctity of your relationship. Let it not become a matter of public debate.
STEP 3: WOMEN
Bros, I know your former lady was possibly the person, you’d imagine as the mother of your kids(I remember I had) and someone you'd imagine would accompany you to the bank to collect your pension, but for god’s sake, look at Women!. One honest soul who once had a drink too many said, ‘There’s a lot of fish in the river.’ Trust me, there is no other better visual exercise. As long as you are not ogling at a friend’s girlfriend or the next-door married aunty, it's perfectly normal for you to admire pretty women. After all, they are God’s most beautiful creation and far more superior to us men. We’ll leave that debate for another day but Bros, if you suddenly find yourself in the midst of a plethora of hot, eligible women, trust me its not a conspiracy. They were always there. Probably, you were too busy with your lady love to notice them. Try engaging in some platonic(I use the word in an academic way) female company. Nothing boosts a male ego better than some quality time spent with a beautiful woman. So Bros, try looking at pretty women. You’ll realize that your break up was the stepping stone for something far more fascinating that awaits your destiny.
STEP 4: BEING RATIONAL
Bros, when in a relationship, couples shower each other with gifts, ranging from clothes, bags, shoes to souvenirs to parlour bills in some cases. Now that your relationship has hit the shore, try not being too judgmental about the gifts. Remember, the gifts were fine, it was the relationship that fizzled out. It’s time to be rational, the step I had mentioned of in Step 1. You can lock up the gifts at a corner in your wardrobe. A corner that you would never venture into. But do not entertain ideas of burning gifts and disposing them. It makes for good sitcom, but in reality, it sucks. Do not disrespect your relationship, it had you at one point. Break ups, though a possible low-point of your life, is not judgement day. Try analyzing where it went wrong, and what you could have done to salvage it. But if it involves more than ten minutes of hard thinking, I think you are overdoing it! Focus on your priorities, do things which make you happy. Keep your friends close to you, and the dreams you nurture, closer. Expect a miracle coming your way and before this starts sounding like a Personality Development Workshop, let’s shift gears to Step 5.
STEP 5: THE CLOSURE
And one day, a common friend would inform you that she has got engaged, probably to the same guy she dumped you for. And you would thank God, for pulling you out of it before it was too late. C’mon, you have moved on. You would have had numerous crushes post that. You would have shaved a thousand times, gulped down beer/whiskey a zillion times. Chill, the world is still a better place. This step is called the Closure, where you have obliterated the person from the desktop of your life forever. Well there are some memories left in the recycle bin. But your desktop is free from the virus called ‘Ex-Girlfriend’. Well, if you don’t feel all this, go back to Step 1.
*Any resemblance to any character, living, dead or sleeping is purely coincidental.